Officer John Ng

It was a dark and stormy night as Southwest Airlines was in a holding pattern for an hour and a half and the plane is getting low on fuel.  

sidebar-after decades of relentless and heartbreaking search for his biological parent, he finally found them and they were driving up from Trinidad, CO to meet him.  

Rene' Richards and Bruce Jenner had an affair and Bruce had no idea that he was the father of baby Ng. I digress:

The captain gets on the horn and says, "Ok, folks this is your captain once again and I know the turbulence is upsetting, I have good news!  We have plkenty of parachutes and trained personnel to drop tandem with and I am ONLY asking for volnteers.  You wll be well-compensated when you hit the ground.  To be fair, I am going to start in alphabeticl order.

Pilot: Are there any Asian Americans aboard?

J.Ng: cringey puts an oxygen non-rebreather and pulls his beany over his eyes to avoid detection....

Pilot:  No?  Well how bout some African Americans?   No?

Are there any Black peopole on board?  Darn.  How bout any cocksuckers?  Denge?  Ethnic Minorities?  Fags?  Certainly the flight attendents qualify, now get your shit packed and vamanos!  Any gooks?

J. Ng:  Asks for a pillow and a blanket whilst he gets into the thumb-sucking fetal piosition.

Pilot:  Any Heebs?

Sidebar*: Little black Amos, age 5 with an adorable lisp and speech impediment says, Ma-ma-ma-Momma?  We be African-Americans why don't we jump...I want to go home! 

Momma:  Hush you little turd-baby, see that nice Po-Po in first class?  Today, we be Niggers, so he can go right ahead and strut his fat bootie past me.

Amos:  Momma, yo bootie the size of two axe handles...I'ma talk to him.  

Hey Po-Po whats yo name I introduce you to my momma....?

J. Ng: Make no nevermind and get back in your seat child.

Amos: But you be Asian-American, pack your shit and jump....I don't wanna die.  

J. Ng: Ah-so, Glasshoppah....Tonight I be a zipper-face so get ready to jump, Nigger...

Amos:  Momma that Po-Po is just downright mean.  

Momma:  They all are, sweetie.  Once you go black the Police will attack.

Amos:  Right on, momma.  Besides I heard him talking to his two Momma's.  How does that work?

Momma:  Well, Brownie Frito-Pie, His Mommas used to be the mens... but their man-gyna was in the wrong place.  First Rene' became a woman, then Bruce and her made a baby.

Amos:  Where is Trinidad, the middle East?

Momma:  Child, I could eat a can of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter question than that, its in Southern Colorado and it is thee sex-change capital of the planet!

Amos: Well I wanna go see.

Momma:  Over my dead body!  I already have 2 daughters I don't need 3.  Besides,m it is an unsafe town, the streets have no striping and neither do the parking spaces at city hall.

Amos:  Why not, Momma?

Momma:  Because they used up all the paint for the signage at the city limits.  Kind of like Wall Drug in South Dakota.

The signs says, "Welcome to Trinidad, Colorado.  Home of the Gender Misidentification Disorder/Surgical Reassignment Center.  Please check in with Robin at Panedero Ski Resort for your assigned proctor.  You will be greeted by Lorena Bobbit.  Jeffrey Dahmer is the clean-up man."  

Amos:  Wow, Momma! you sure said a big mouf-full!!

Momma:  Call it a gift.  An 11 is a ten that swallows. Now try that mexican and tell Senor it's his turn.

Amos approaches the big mustache gaucho with cautious optimism:

Amos:  Hey Diego...Vamanos, Pendejo....Lets suit up!  Arriba!  Endele....

Diego:  Oh not tonight, m'jo....tonight I be a Wetback, so get ready to jumo, Niggah.

Amos:  Fuck you Hodito!  why would my mom want your smelly uncut pinga?

Diego...it's why blacks and mexicans don't get married, Blackie!  Our children would be too lazy to steal.  Try the Jew in first class.

Amos:  Hell no, Popi...do you know why blacks and Jews don't get married?

Diego...(sigh-eyeroll):  Okay, I'll bite.  Why?

Amos:  Because their kid's would have to sit in the back of the oven.

Diego:  I think you should jump without a chute.  poop-chute.

As the plane lands and skids off the runway, Officer John gallantly performs mouth to mouth on the farm animals in the cargo hold and carries the sheep out missionary style before he remembers he's not in Montana anymore and people will talk.

The burst of tears and thee paparazzi was overwhelming.  David carradine's widow was even there, as was Swan from Mad TV.

Swan to J. Ng:  Ahh...you lookah-like-ah mahn...and so sttrlong...Like-ah Samp-a-sun in the Biboh...

J. Ng:  Hands off...You know I like-ah the funny monkey in the bush.  Let me be.  I have a life-time of memories to find...youy are old geisha snapping sushipuss in the wrong aquari.  I like-ah my men like my coffee...Black and bitter. Send me Officer Brandon Wetherspoon from Albuquerque PD.  I hear Reese died and left everything to him...

Swan:  Ouch.  You nuthing but pig puffer fish.  

J Ng:  Thank you Swan.  You know what God said when he caught my two mom's washing up in the Arkansas River don't you??

"Oh my fucking me, I'll never get the smell out of the trout now!!"

Now Officer John Ng's life can be normal.  As if anything can b, in this, the Ultimate Shitshow.

Compliments of Vthekingo at gmail.com.  

Feel free to send me your feedback.  I am just warming up, folks...that's all folks!

Chad Rugroden 

406-220-8623 

A00037756